Dear Sparky,
I am having a problem! Me and my boyfriend just got together 2 weeks
ago and I know his ex-girlfriend. I found out that his ex-girlfriend got his
initials on her arm and I don't know what to do. Help me!
Signed: Help Me
dear helpless,
the initials only mean she liked him once. if you want to prove you like him then you can wear a collar with his name on it. that will really prove something because you wear it everyday when you could easily chew it right off.
your friend,
sparky
Hi Sparks,
My cat thinks he is the big boss at home.
What must i do to let him believe he's the boss
but otherwise it's me who give's the commands?????
Signed: pussy Whipped
dear whipped,
you have to let your cat know that you are the alpha dog. just collect all your bones into one room and guard them from the cat. next find the cat's favorite chew toy and take it from him. finally, wait until the cat trys to eat from his bowl and then pouce on him. remember, form does count. always remember to curl your lips when you growl.
sparky [ cat tamer ] the dog
dear sparky,
can you do a backflip or a frontflip or a sideflip can you drink
coffe can you play video games how fast can you run can you jump on a
trampaline what else can you do.
Signed: Alvin
dear alvin,
i get about twenty emails a day with the same stupid questions, but judging
by your letter i decided to answer you.
yes, yes, yes, yes, faster than the mailman, yes, and i can lick my own butt.
it is my distinct suspicion that you suffer from attention deficit disorder.
i recommend, the next time you lap some water from the toilet bowl, rest your chin on the
edge of the bowl and take a few deep breaths. it always mellows me out.
sparky [ chillin ] the mellow mut
Dear Sparky,
Why don't they show you actually doing the tricks that people command
you to do.
Signed: Just Wondering
dear wonder bread,
i wanted to do the tricks but the risk management department said it would increase their insurance.
stupid bean counters
your sedentary friend sparky
Dear Sparky,
I have been going out with this guy I really like for almost 7 months.
I've been alot happier knowing that there is someone, somewhere that
loves me for who I am, not how I look. But there's a problem: parents
don't like him very much, and he's 5 years older than me. I don't want
to break up with him, but 2 of my friends say I should and find someone
my own age. What should I do?????????????
Signed: Very Confused
dear confused,
i can tell when a babe is old enough for me by the smell of her butt.
what's your trick?
sparky
Sparky,
my bf. long distance.hasn't been e-mailing me. what should i do.
Signed: lonely
dear lonely,
sign up with one of those free e-mail accounts under a different name.
then send him some flirty e-mail as if you are someone else.
if he passes the test then you have nothing to worry about. if he fails
then you can lead him on under the other name until you break his heart and
posts his mushy e-mails on the net to ridicule him.
or you could be the mature one and blow him off.
i hope this helped
your pal sparky
dear sparky
i have a huge problem...
i have a dear boy friend
we both love each other more than anything...
but he lives in australia and i live in israel....
please help me
i've stoped eating and sleeping...
Signed : Sleepless in Isreal
dear sleeepy,
i truly empathize with your plight. you must not give up hope. eat and
sleep to keep up your strength so you will make it to the day you are
reunited with your true love. until then, find someone less fortunate than
yourself and focus on helping them. this will get you through your darkest
hours. and get a dog.
your friend, sparky
Dear Sparky,
I don't have a dog because I live in a rented house. What can I do?
From a dog lover.
dear lover,
i see you are a victim of circumstance. you would have a dog but you
must abide by the landlord's rules. hmmmm. thats a tough one.
how can i put this delicately? you are a moron! there is no such thing as a
victim of circumstance. you have just chosen to let life happen and blame
the results on everyone else. if you really want a dog you will find a way
to have one. now decide what you want and quit making excuses for
yourself.
if you really love dogs then i'll help you out. send me $9.99 a month and
i'll keep a dog here for you. you can call him any cutsie name you can
think of and i'll post a photo of him for you. you can tell all your
friends that you have a dog and they can come to my web page to see a photo
of him.
you can trust me, i'm a dog
sparky
Dear Sparky, I have a problem with my nick-name. You see,it is also Sparky.
I get alot of dog jokes. One was even from TOM HANKS! Seems his dogs' name
is Sparky too. I know that it is a great name and one that I enjoy, but the
dog jokes are getting old. Any advice?
Signed: Not a dog.
dear notadog,
congrats on your nick-name. i don't really see a problem though.
the next time someone makes a dog joke, just growl at them and they'll see
what a mistake they made. remember to curl your lip up or they'll know
that you're faking it. some dogs like to get their hair to stand on end
but thats just an old cat trick.
your mentor, sparky
Dear Sparky,
My name is dj and I have adopted my husband's dog, Henry, as my own. I
can tell Henry loves me too, but can it ever equal the love between man
and dog?
Signed: A true dog fan, dj
dear fan,
no.
what do you expect? i'm just a dog.
sparky
Hello Sparkster,
My friend and I have decided to write you since we have used every
possible last resort up (haha, every last resort). Anyhoot, we are
dumbstruck at the present low of bois w/ brains. In other words, every
male surrounding us now is a sheer idiot.... and because of this we feel
it our duty to make their lives hell, which neither party wants to do or
have done. Could you please tell us where a boi w/ some mental capacity
waits?
Signed: Two lonely gerls
dear girls,
i'm about to share a secret with you. there is a universally excepted sign
of true intelligence in our universe that, yes, even applies to boys. the
sign is, er.. um.. i know you will be skeptical but i am not posturing my
own views here. the undeniable sign of truly superior intelligence is
owning a dog.
ok, i new you would say that, but i'm not making this up. in fact, if you
take your dogs, and i'm sure that smart girls like yourselves have dogs.
if
you take your dogs for walks in all the really kewl kinda dog walkin places
then i'm sure you'll find cerebrally enhanced specimens doing likewise.
your friend,
sparky
Dear Sparky,
I've noticed that you don't seem to CAPITALIZE anything you type.
Why?
Signed: Just Curious
dear curious,
please excuse my lack of capitalization. whoever invented keyboards didn't
have to prop themself up with one paw while tapping with the other.
curiosity killed the cat. (snicker snicker)
sparky
Dear Sparky,
Recently my wife of twelve years has given up smoking and has started nagging me to give it up also.
What can I do to save my marriage?
Signed: Still Smokin
dear smokin,
give up the cancer sticks for something more tasty and attractive.
have you ever tried drinking the cool water from your toilet bowl?
you may find it more enjoyable than smoking, and even if it doesn't
save your marriage, your teeth will never be whiter.
your friend,
sparky
Dear Sparky,
I'm a true believer that when a person passes on that they are
reincarnated into a family animal. I believe that Odie, our dog, is my
father-in-law.
What do you think?
Signed: A believer
dear gullible,
'denial' is also a river in egypt
sparky [ i was once your mother ] the dog
Dear Sparky,
Thers this girl in my class and I've liked her ever since she came here
and I don't know what to say to her
Signed: embaresed
dear embaresed,
you could ask her how to spell e-m-b-a-r-r-a-s-s-e-d?
sparky
Dear Sparky,
My husband and I got a puppy to keep our dog company. For the past two
weeks, none of us can get any serious work done because we are too busy
tending to her needs. I think my husband is having second thoughts about
the pup. What advice do you have for a puppy fried family?
Signed: Drowsy
dear drowsy,
you only have one real morally unobjectionable option. you must submit to
the needs of your new puppy.
once you accept your puppy's needs as a higher priority than your personal
slumber then everything will fall into place. your dog will love and
appreciate you for your sacrafice. you and your husband will work in shifts
to see that you each get the sleep you need to properly attend to your puppy
while you are awake.
if that isn't enough sleep for you then you should try to nap throughout
the day. i suggest after barking at the mailman and before digging a hole
under the neighbor's rose bushes. that's when i sleep the best.
your friend always,
sparky
Dear Sparky,
I have a neighbor whom has a dog, and they leave their dog
out side all day long in the hot sun. The poor thing barks all day
while they are away, and even at night. This is very upsetting.
I would dearly love you to give me some advice as to
what you would do???????
Signed: Tired of hearing Dog next door.
dear tired of hearing,
i am confused. is it the dog's incessant yapping that bothers you
or is it the thought of his needless suffering that keeps you awake
at night?
if it is the needless suffering then may i suggest contacting the
humane society. there are laws against animal neglect!
if it is the latter then you can simply shoot yourself between the eyes
with any large caliber firearm. that will put you and the rest of us out
of our misery.
your politically incorrect friend,
sparky
Hey Sparks,
I have a problem. My once-best friend is now ignoring me. She has like four
other best friends now and has no time for me, her first best friend. Can
you give my some of your wonderful advice?
Thanks
Signed: confused
dear confused,
i believe in the direct approach. you should ask her if you have done
something to offend her. if she tells you nothing is wrong then you can
safely assume that she is the one with the problem. find someone else
to occupy your time with. i suggest getting a dog. a dog will never
snub someone for no reason at all.
your friend,
sparky
i have spent considerable time observing the dynamic interaction of
people. it never fails to impress me how often people unwittingly complicate their
lives beyond control. therefore, i have dedicated myself to offer my advice. you
may be surprised how often getting a dog's opinion can put things back into
perspective.