| 1 | Hey Sparks, I have a problem. My once-best friend is now ignoring me. She has like four other best friends now and has no time for me, her first best friend. Can you give my some of your wonderful advice? Thanks Signed: confused |
dear confused, i believe in the direct approach. you should ask her if you have done something to offend her. if she tells you nothing is wrong then you can safely assume that she is the one with the problem. find someone else to occupy your time with. i suggest getting a dog. a dog will never snub someone for no reason at all.
your friend, |
| 2 | Dear Sparky, I have a neighbor whom has a dog, and they leave their dog out side all day long in the hot sun. The poor thing barks all day while they are away, and even at night. This is very upsetting. I would dearly love you to give me some advice as to what you would do??????? Signed: Tired of hearing Dog next door. | dear tired of hearing, i am confused. is it the dog's incessant yapping that bothers you or is it the thought of his needless suffering that keeps you awake at night? if it is the needless suffering then may i suggest contacting the humane society. there are laws against animal neglect! if it is the latter then you can simply shoot yourself between the eyes with any large caliber firearm. that will put you and the rest of us out of our misery.
your politically incorrect friend, |
| 3 | Dear Sparky, My husband and I got a puppy to keep our dog company. For the past two weeks, none of us can get any serious work done because we are too busy tending to her needs. I think my husband is having second thoughts about the pup. What advice do you have for a puppy fried family? Signed: Drowsy | dear drowsy,
you only have one real morally unobjectionable option. you must submit to
the needs of your new puppy. if that isn't enough sleep for you then you should try to nap throughout the day. i suggest after barking at the mailman and before digging a hole under the neighbor's rose bushes. that's when i sleep the best.
your friend always, |
| 4 | Dear Sparky, Thers this girl in my class and I've liked her ever since she came here and I don't know what to say to her Signed: embaresed | dear embaresed, you could ask her how to spell e-m-b-a-r-r-a-s-s-e-d? sparky |
| 5 | Dear Sparky, I'm a true believer that when a person passes on that they are reincarnated into a family animal. I believe that Odie, our dog, is my father-in-law. What do you think? Signed: A believer | dear gullible, 'denial' is also a river in egypt sparky [ i was once your mother ] the dog |
| 6 | Dear Sparky, Recently my wife of twelve years has given up smoking and has started nagging me to give it up also. What can I do to save my marriage? Signed: Still Smokin | dear smokin, give up the cancer sticks for something more tasty and attractive. have you ever tried drinking the cool water from your toilet bowl? you may find it more enjoyable than smoking, and even if it doesn't save your marriage, your teeth will never be whiter.
your friend, |
| 7 | Dear Sparky, I've noticed that you don't seem to CAPITALIZE anything you type. Why? Signed: Just Curious | dear curious, please excuse my lack of capitalization. whoever invented keyboards didn't have to prop themself up with one paw while tapping with the other.
curiosity killed the cat. (snicker snicker) |
| 8 | Hello Sparkster,
My friend and I have decided to write you since we have used every
possible last resort up (haha, every last resort). Anyhoot, we are
dumbstruck at the present low of bois w/ brains. In other words, every
male surrounding us now is a sheer idiot.... and because of this we feel
it our duty to make their lives hell, which neither party wants to do or
have done. Could you please tell us where a boi w/ some mental capacity
waits? Signed: Two lonely gerls | dear girls, i'm about to share a secret with you. there is a universally excepted sign of true intelligence in our universe that, yes, even applies to boys. the sign is, er.. um.. i know you will be skeptical but i am not posturing my own views here. the undeniable sign of truly superior intelligence is owning a dog. ok, i new you would say that, but i'm not making this up. in fact, if you take your dogs, and i'm sure that smart girls like yourselves have dogs. if you take your dogs for walks in all the really kewl kinda dog walkin places then i'm sure you'll find cerebrally enhanced specimens doing likewise. your friend, sparky |
| 9 | Dear Sparky, My name is dj and I have adopted my husband's dog, Henry, as my own. I can tell Henry loves me too, but can it ever equal the love between man and dog? Signed: A true dog fan, dj | dear fan, no.
what do you expect? i'm just a dog. |
| 10 | Dear Sparky, I have a problem with my nick-name. You see,it is also Sparky.
I get alot of dog jokes. One was even from TOM HANKS! Seems his dogs' name
is Sparky too. I know that it is a great name and one that I enjoy, but the
dog jokes are getting old. Any advice? Signed: Not a dog. | dear notadog, congrats on your nick-name. i don't really see a problem though. the next time someone makes a dog joke, just growl at them and they'll see what a mistake they made. remember to curl your lip up or they'll know that you're faking it. some dogs like to get their hair to stand on end but thats just an old cat trick. your mentor, sparky |
| 11 | Dear Sparky, I don't have a dog because I live in a rented house. What can I do?
| dear lover, i see you are a victim of circumstance. you would have a dog but you must abide by the landlord's rules. hmmmm. thats a tough one. how can i put this delicately? you are a moron! there is no such thing as a victim of circumstance. you have just chosen to let life happen and blame the results on everyone else. if you really want a dog you will find a way to have one. now decide what you want and quit making excuses for yourself. if you really love dogs then i'll help you out. send me $9.99 a month and i'll keep a dog here for you. you can call him any cutsie name you can think of and i'll post a photo of him for you. you can tell all your friends that you have a dog and they can come to my web page to see a photo of him. you can trust me, i'm a dog
|
| 12 | dear sparky i have a huge problem... i have a dear boy friend we both love each other more than anything... but he lives in australia and i live in israel.... please help me i've stoped eating and sleeping... Signed : Sleepless in Isreal | dear sleeepy, i truly empathize with your plight. you must not give up hope. eat and sleep to keep up your strength so you will make it to the day you are reunited with your true love. until then, find someone less fortunate than yourself and focus on helping them. this will get you through your darkest hours. and get a dog. your friend, sparky |
| 13 | Sparky, my bf. long distance.hasn't been e-mailing me. what should i do. Signed: lonely | dear lonely, sign up with one of those free e-mail accounts under a different name. then send him some flirty e-mail as if you are someone else. if he passes the test then you have nothing to worry about. if he fails then you can lead him on under the other name until you break his heart and posts his mushy e-mails on the net to ridicule him. or you could be the mature one and blow him off.
i hope this helped |
| 14 | Dear Sparky, I have been going out with this guy I really like for almost 7 months. I've been alot happier knowing that there is someone, somewhere that loves me for who I am, not how I look. But there's a problem: parents don't like him very much, and he's 5 years older than me. I don't want to break up with him, but 2 of my friends say I should and find someone my own age. What should I do????????????? Signed: Very Confused | dear confused, i can tell when a babe is old enough for me by the smell of her butt. what's your trick? sparky |
| 15 | Dear Sparky, Why don't they show you actually doing the tricks that people command you to do. Signed: Just Wondering | dear wonder bread, i wanted to do the tricks but the risk management department said it would increase their insurance. stupid bean counters your sedentary friend sparky |
| 16 | dear sparky, can you do a backflip or a frontflip or a sideflip can you drink coffe can you play video games how fast can you run can you jump on a trampaline what else can you do. Signed: Alvin | dear alvin, i get about twenty emails a day with the same stupid questions, but judging by your letter i decided to answer you. yes, yes, yes, yes, faster than the mailman, yes, and i can lick my own butt.
it is my distinct suspicion that you suffer from attention deficit disorder. sparky [ chillin ] the mellow mut |
| 18 | Hi Sparks, My cat thinks he is the big boss at home. What must i do to let him believe he's the boss but otherwise it's me who give's the commands????? Signed: pussy Whipped | Dear whipped, you have to let your cat know that you are the alpha dog. just collect all your bones into one room and guard them from the cat. next find the cat's favorite chew toy and take it from him. finally, wait until the cat trys to eat from his bowl and then pouce on him. remember, form does count. always remember to curl your lips when you growl. sparky [ cat tamer ] the Dog |
| 19 | Dear Sparky, I am having a problem! Me and my boyfriend just got together 2 weeks ago and I know his ex-girlfriend. I found out that his ex-girlfriend got his initials on her arm and I don't know what to do. Help me! Signed: Help Me | dear helpless, the initials only mean she liked him once. if you want to prove you like him then you can wear a collar with his name on it. that will really prove something because you wear it everyday when you could easily chew it right off.
your friend, |